Harry Potter and the Prisoner of the Contract
by GreenLantern500
Summary: Harry must face his greatest challenge ever: his own contract. To be written in installments. UPDATE: Chapter Four has arrived!
1. Very Little Happens

CHAPTER 1  
Are you bloody serious? yelled Harry. That tubby bloke from Braveheart'? HE's playing Mad-Eye? Ron grimaced, and nodded. I heard it from aint-it-cool-news.com, mate, so it must be so. Harry saw a flaw somewhere in that reasoning, but he couldn't figure it out. Suddenly he felt a flash of desire, followed by a stream of drool issuing from his mouth. Voldemort had been thinking about Jennifer Garner again. He was getting sick of that. Suddenly, Hermione burst in. Another fanboy wrote a story where he makes it with me. she sighed. Why can't they stick to anime characters? Yeah, those Pokemon are blooming hot, muttered Harry. Both of them stared at him. I didn't say anything. he said very loudly. Harry felt a flash of anger; the Chocolate Frogs machine had eaten Voldemort's Galleon. Harry screamed obscenities in a high-pitched, hissing voice for five minutes on end. After several unheard-of combinations of existing curse words, he realized everyone was staring at him yet again. We'd better go downstairs, he said, after a pause that lasted approximately as long as the Reagan administration. Harry, Ron and Hermione stepped on the first step. Then the second. Then the third. Then they were flung bodily down the stairs by the plot gods, who were annoyed at the author's feeble attempt to pad the story. As Harry walked over to the Gryffindor table, he saw someone he would not have expected in a million years, or whatever weird time unit wizards use. he screamed, hurling himself against his supposedly dead godfather in a rib-crushing hug. This moment seemed to last forever. Then he looked up and saw that Sirius was looking extremely confused. I'm not Sirius. he said. I'm _Hannibal'_s Gary Oldman. I just came here to answer Malfoy's fan mail. Oh. Sorry. Harry let go of the man, who walked over to the Slytherin table and sat down. Harry found himself missing Sirius so much that it was time for some CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.  
  
ANGST  
  
ANGST  
  
ANGST  
  
Well, now that that was over with, he could eat his breakfast. Suddenly, a Slytherin named Charlton Heston leapt onto the table. PUMPKIN JUICE IS PEOPLE! he shrieked. PUMPKIN JUICE IS PEOPLE! Harry sat back while the author tried to think of some more overused pop culture references.


	2. The Boy Who Earned

CHAPTER 2  
I love the smell of Mudbloods in the morning, commented Voldemort, killing several with a Blow Sh-t Up Curse. Charlie don't play Quidditch. agreed Wormtail. Voldemort checked his watch. Antonin Scalia should have joined them on their hunt half an hour ago, like they had agreed. He was beginning to think the man might simply be a Muggle who looked good in robes. Maybe he should be working on evil plans instead of blowing up Mudbloods. It was time to go back to the actual story.  
Potter! Weasley! called Professor McGonnagall. said Harry. She looked confused. Then a look of realization crossed her severe face. Oh, I'm sorry, boys. she said. I get paid three Galleons whenever I say Potter' or Weasley'. Go back to your breakfast. They complied. Potter! Weasley! They continued eating. POTTER! WEASLEY! I'M REALLY TALKING TO YOU, DAMMIT! They spun around. The headmaster would like to speak to you two. Again. she said. They walked by her. Potter! Weasley! she said to the wall.   
Dumbledore pulled several large spiders out of his beard. He set them aside, planning to put them down Ron's back the next chance he got.   
His thoughts were rudely interrupted by the two boys coming into the room. GAH! Don't DO that! he yelled. I... I mean, welcome, boys. Sit down. I am going to tell you everything. Wait, wait a minute. interrupted Harry. You already did this in the last book. It was irritating then, too. No, _everything _everything. explained Dumbledore. You see, Harry, you are not a normal boy. Yeah, I know that too. said Harry. Can we go now? NO. You see, you are the... I know, the boy who lived. said Harry impatiently. Dumbledore laughed. Screw the boy who lived! You're the most marketable franchise since James Bond! There are action figures of your action figures! You're approaching Spider-Man level in terms of licensing! Harry turned to look at Ron, who looked absolutely petrified. Wrong book. Harry reminded the author. I'm sorry, absolutely terrified. Dumbledore put his wand down the back of Ron's robes, aiming a jet of fire at the spiders he had put there and inadvertantly giving him second-degree burns . Ron breathed a sigh of relief as the smell of burning meat filled the air. So I'm famous, Harry said. I knew that too. What else did you want to show me? Dumbledore cleared his throat. Harry Potter, meet Daniel Radcliffe. A boy who looked about Harry's age stepped from behind a curtain. Harry choked back a scream. Oh my God! he gasped. He looks vaguely like me! That's the point. said Dumbledore sagely. You see, with all these movies and crap, we've decided to replace book continuity with film continuity. Harry gasped. You mean... Dobby is Jar Jar Binks? There's only one Quidditch match per year? Peeves doesn't exist? Dumbledore nodded. Exactly. According to your contract -- which you are still a prisoner of--, however, there can only be one Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger. You, Ron and Hermione will have to leave, effective immediately. Radcliffe was smirking at Harry from behind his fake glasses. Harry clenched his fists. I swear, Radcliffe, as God is my witness, you shall pay. PAY! Oh, that reminds me. said Dumbledore. He put a sack the size of a Pontiac Aztec on the desk. These are your royalties. he said. Harry was still glaring at Radcliffe with hatred in his soul. Without warning, in all his evil glory, Voldemort burst into the room, his wand at the ready and an expression of wicked triumph in his vile scarlet eyes. At last! he crowed. After five whole books of you wriggling through my fingers like... like something that wriggles! At last, Harry Potter, I am going to totally KILL you and stuff! Oh, bite me. said Harry. I've got a new archnemesis. He took a pistol out of his pocket and shot the Dark Lord in the head. Harry looked at the gun and got an idea. He turned toward Dumbledore, but he wasn't fast enough. _Accio Glock. _said the headmaster, the weapon zooming into his hand. Screw this noise. said Harry. He grabbed Ron and ran from the room. Dumbledore kicked open the desk and removed a Thompson from it. Seh hello ta my li'l frien'. he said, in a hideous imitation of Al Pacino. Harry ducked as a hail of bullets followed him out the door of the office.


	3. The Plot Thickens, Then Stagnates

CHAPTER 3  
  
Harry and Ron rushed downstairs, where Hermione was seated at the Gryffindor table, talking to one of her fellow students. Hermione, come on! yelled Harry. We've got to get out of here! Just a second! said Hermione, in an annoyed tone. She turned back to the Gryffindor girl. So this one time at wand camp... Suddenly Harry recognized the girl. he snarled. We meet again. She lunged at him. He swerved just in time, sending her flying across the Great Hall and into the chest of Dumbledore, who was running down the stairs waving the Thompson. Come on, let's go! said Harry. This time Hermione complied. The three ran across the Great Hall and out of the door. They didn't stop running until they came to Hagrid's hut. It was then that they noticed something. Hang on, said Ron cautiously. Didn't this place used to be made of wood? Indeed, the entire structure had become composed of mossy stones. They walked inside. To their shock, Hagrid was lying on the floor, bound and gagged. A stranger -- a clean-shaven stranger-- was standing over him. Oh, he said, with a thick Scottish brogue. I'm Robbie Coltrane. You may remember me from such films as From Hell' and Van Helsing'. The three screamed and ran from the hut, this time not looking back until they were deep in the forest. What woeful miscasting, muttered Harry. said Ron. So obviously John Rhys-Davies. agreed Hermione. The three stuck out their wands. they said simultaneously. Then, in a literary device the hack who's writing this seems to love, they screamed. They were staring into the eight eyes of Aragog, the monstrous spider who, in their second year had [Author's Note: By order of J.K. Rowling, I am forced to print the following message: Buy the second book, you cheapskate]. Wait a minute! said Ron. He waved his hand. It simply went through Aragog. This is just a special effect! Hermione aimed her wand at the giant arachnid. _Greenus Screenus! _she yelled. The spider vanished, leaving only noted actor Julian Glover, best known for doing the voice of Aragog in the second film. Oh my Gawd! yelled Harry. You were awesome in Indiana Jones'! But the man was quivering at their feet, clutching their robes. I'm so sorry! he whimpered. These are the only parts I can get these days! Please don't hurt me! Oh, we won't. said Hermione. Yeah, we're gonna kill you. said Ron. Maybe he does deserve to die. But now that I see him, I do pity him. said Harry, as Glover looked in the pockets of Harry's robes for change. He winced as Peter Jackson slapped him with a very heavy lawsuit. But that's another story.   
Suddenly, Gary Oldman, in full Sirius costume, came crashing through the trees. Caught you! he yelled. Now it's off to the all for thruppence' shelf with you! Avada... said Harry. Help us! Please! You don't have to do this! Oldman laughed. There's nothing you can say to make me help you. he sneered. They kill you off the movie after next. Hermione confided. Okay, I'm in. replied Oldman. What do we do? Obvious, really. said Harry. We find the characters who haven't been cast yet or aren't in the movies. Then we make war on that simpering little snot who thinks he can pass himself off as me. What about the actors who have bowed out? asked Oldman. Good thinking. said Harry. Try to find John Cleese and Sean Biggerstaff. Ron began giggling uncontrollably at the sound of the name 


	4. This Chapter Has An Interesting Title

Dumbledore banged his fist on the table, causing a chunk of it to fly off and hit Rupert Grint between the eyes.   
  
It is imperative that we find them! he yelled. Without those three, the whole deal falls apart! Alan Rickman, Robbie Coltrane, David Thewlis, Maggie Smith and the others nodded. Their literary counterparts had been subdued hours ago and forced into a limbo known as Development Hell.   
  
But first, said Dumbledore, we must find a replacement for the traitor Oldman, who, great though he was in Immortal Beloved', must die for his treachery. Think, everyone... who can play Sirius Black?How about Steve Buscemi? said Alan Rickman. Excellent thinking, Alan. said Dumbledore. Write that down. Hey, I've been wondering, commented Tom Felton. How is it you're still here? You're from the books! Well, you see, Dumbledore said, I've been played by two different actors, and they couldn't agree on which one of them to use. So, they decided on the real thing.   
  
But why would you betray everyone else? asked Felton incredulously. And one of the actors is dead! This makes no... bellowed Dumbledore . Felton began to gyrate and scream on the floor. Anyone ELSE have any questions regarding continuity? he asked, his voice quiet and menacing. A smattering of s, s and who writes this craps went around the table.   
  
_Hollywood, California  
_Shrek 2 _Cast Party  
10 PM  
_ Gary Oldman knocked desparately on the door. At long last, it opened. Mike Myers answered it. he said, in an accent. Welcoom ta All Things Scottish. If it's not Scottish it's crrrrrap! The five derelicts simply stared at him. He looked them over. You don't find the concept of a Scottish accent hilarious? he said disbelievingly. You lot have to be the first. How bout this... -- he put on the accent again-- 'E's gonna cry imself to sleep tonight on is gigantic pilla! Again, they just stared at him. Oh, that's right, nobody saw that movie. he said.   
  
said Hermione. Your Scottish accent is wonderful, but we're looking for John Cleese. Oh, him? said Myers, his voice entirely normal. He's over there, talking to John Lithgow. Wait a minute... said Harry. John Lithgow wasn't in _Shrek 2. _He was only in the first one. Since then he's been busy writing children's books like a First Lady on speed. Eh what're you gonna do? said Myers, shrugging. The author wanted to make an obscene Footloose' joke.   
  
Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Oldman sidled over to Cleese while Glover tried to pick Jennifer Saunders' pocket. They waited patiently while he finished talking to John Lithgow. Then they turned to him. Mr. Cleese! said Ron. You have to help us! They explained about the situation at Hogwarts, which should have taken five pages but which the author is cleverly dismissing in a single sentence because he can't be bothered.  
  
Absolutely not. said Cleese. I spend years trying to avoid dying as the Monty Python guy' and what do they hurl at me? A bloody children's franchise! Well, what's wrong with that? asked Harry. And can we hurry up? I think Larry King's hitting on Hermione. Being in a children's franchise is undignified! thundered Cleese. How so? asked Oldman. I've worked with Francis Ford Coppola and I still managed to jump on board. A look of watery-eyed admiration crossed Cleese's face. You... you've worked with Coppola? he said. Oldman nodded. What's he like? asked Cleese. I'll tell you if you join us. said Oldman. replied Cleese.   
  
So, who do we recruit next? asked Harry. Let's go with Sean Biggerstaff, best known for his role as Oliver Wood, suggested Hermione. Huh huh, you said Wood' _and _ Ron laughed. Wait a minute. said Myers. Is that the guy with the Scots accent? The real one? Ron nodded. I'm coming. I've got to meet him. Myers said eagerly.  
  
The cockroach scuttled out of the gutter. It hesitated for a few seconds. It did a 180-degree turn and prepared to haul carapace back into the gutter, but it was too late. It was speared on a fork faster than you could say Oh shit, I've been speared on a fork. said Sean Biggerstaff. He hauled the roach over to his plate, which had been empty for three days. He never should have bowed out of the Harry Potter franchise. Since that fateful decision, he had been living on insects and puddle water. As he was about to sink his teeth into the vermin, he looked up and saw three familiar faces and three unfamiliar. Hello, Harry, Ron, Hermione, other guys. he said. How are you? Holy crap! said Mike Myers reverently. That... that's quite an accent you've got there. he said reverently. Biggerstaff looked embarrassed. Ah, it's just something I got from me father.  
  
said Harry. We need your help. Hogwarts has replaced book continuity with film continuity. We need all the help we can get. And why should I help you? asked Biggerstaff skeptically. Because if you do, said Harry, and we win, you'll get real food again. Biggerstaff jumped to his feet. When do I start? he asked. Effective immediately. said Harry. We have one more visit to make. If he comes with us, we'll have untold Hollywood firepower. But he turned down a role in the movies. He nodded grimly. We need Sean Connery.


End file.
